


Sherlock Has No Filter

by SiriuslySherlocked



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angry John, Comedy, Established Sherlock Holmes/John Watson, Family, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Sex, Johnlock - Freeform, M/M, One Shot, Sex Education, Sherlock Being Sherlock, Sherlock Has No Filter, Sherlock Holmes Has No Boundaries, but very explicit descriptions of it, no actual smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-02-29 19:58:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18785155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SiriuslySherlocked/pseuds/SiriuslySherlocked
Summary: Rosie gets some un-John-approved sex education.





	Sherlock Has No Filter

Sherlock never really dealt with children.

As one would expect, of course, considering he was a consulting detective often investigating some of the most brutal and mysterious crimes in London. 

Sherlock was also Sherlock.

He hardly thought much of what came out of his mouth, and he hardly cared.

He was aware, of course, of the specific knowledge parents wanted their children to have and not to have, but he rarely ever upheld them. _He_ wasn't their parent.

He was never entirely sure if he could be considered 'good' with children.

Ever since John had moved back into their flat with his daughter Rosie, he'd been spending a lot more time with said child. Especially since they had started their relationship, John had had to teach him some basic yes's and no's, and he still didn't seem to _entirely_  trust Sherlock, but it was getting there. Besides, it wasn't as though Sherlock was  _bad_  with children. He just wasn't the  _best_ at it. 

He still played with Rosie, helped entertain her, feed her, put her to sleep, bathe her, although when she had been young he had always insisted John change the diapers ("She's got  _your_  DNA,  _you_ deal with her  _deposits_!"). Rosie was five now, well able to walk and talk and use the toilet, and she had even begun calling Sherlock "Papa", which Sherlock did _not_  cry at the first time she had said it, as John said he did. She was incredibly smart, too, Sherlock could tell; not as smart as  _he_  was, obviously, but intelligent for a five year old.

Once Rosie reached the point where she was able to talk and listen and understand things, John had had a talk with him. "Sherlock," He had said, "You can't talk to children about things like what goes on in the cases and such. The murders and everything. And about us, our relationship, the adult things. Don't talk about those sorts of things, don't say anything too mature."

Sherlock had considered this explanation an idiotic one. He wasn't  _mature_ , John knew that better than anyone, and he certainly never thought about what was too mature for children. Besides, what was the big deal anyway? They'd learn about the gruesome topics eventually. But, he understood why parents wouldn't want their kids to see such things. The children weren't psychologically developed enough to understand or reason with what they were seeing, so horrific sights could have even more of an impact on a child then a teenager or adult. Children's minds were very strange.

On the other hand, the topic of sex and curse words Sherlock did not see the point in at all. Why were such words taboo if they were just words? If it was the meaning behind those words people were afraid of, what was the difference in saying "arse" instead of "behind" or "cock" instead of "penis" or "bitch" instead of "female dog"? And there were words and phrases that had even more offensive meanings than curse words. Sherlock thought the entire thing was stupid, a show put on by society. Censorship of the natural human reproductive process didn't make sense either. Who decided  _that_  was too much for kids? It was  _natural_ , every living thing reproduces, if not all in the same way; it still  _happens_. It was quite  _simple_ , really; penis goes in vagina, man ejaculates into vagina, sperm cell fertilizes egg cell, poof, a life is made. It wasn't as though he thought all this often, of course; really only when someone brought it up. It wasn't as if he would go and tell a child anything for no reason, but if they  _asked--_

 

When John announced he was going to run to the store, Sherlock thought nothing of it. "You do that," He muttered absentmindedly in reply, scrolling through his phone.

"Sherlock, you need to get off that phone, I need you to watch Rosie," John said, and that was when Sherlock looked up. 

"Where's Mrs. Hudson?" Mrs. Hudson was always the one to supervise Rosie, or at least supervise Sherlock supervising Rosie.

"She's quite sick, got the flu, I think," John replied, pulling his shoes on. "Just... don't blow up the house or anything, and  _watch_  her."

"I will," Sherlock said, surprised John was throwing this responsibility on him so casually and unexpectedly. 

"It's about lunchtime, she should be hungry soon. You can just give her a sandwich or something," John said, stepping out the door. "Alright, bye. Behave."

"I'm sure she will," Sherlock replied.

"I was talking to you," John said, and shut the door.

 

Fifteen minutes later, Sherlock thought he was doing just fine. He had made Rosie a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and she was eating it happily at the kitchen table with a glass of milk. Although he would have liked to check up on his experiment on recording whether eyeballs changed texture over time or temperature or with certain chemicals, but he refrained from it and sat at the table across from Rosie instead.

 "Papa?" Rosie said, her legs swinging underneath the table and hitting Sherlock's knees occasionally. 

"Hmm?"  
"Did you and Daddy get hurt last night?"

"What?" Sherlock said. "No, of course not, what makes you think that?"

"Well, I heard you guys last night making funny sounds. It sounded like you were hurt or sick. At first it was kinna quiet, but then it got really loud and I heard you screaming."

"Ohhh, no, we weren't hurt, quite the opposite actually," Sherlock said. "We were having sex."

Rosie cocked her head. "Sex? What's that?"

"The human reproductive method," Sherlock responded simply. "Of course, because John and I are both males, reproduction in the old-fashioned way isn't possible, so for us it's simply a more deeply physical expression of intimacy."

"Why do you scream?" Rosie asked, still looking mildly concerned.

"They weren't screams of pain, they were screams of pleasure. Sex feels very good, both emotionally and physically. Males have generally more sensitive sexual organs than females do, so males often prefer the physical pleasure and females prefer the emotional aspect, but that doesn't matter much because neither of us are females."

"It feels good?" Rosie said, brightening. "Can I do it too?"

Sherlock smiled, amused. "No, it's safer to begin having sex when you're a bit older. In the meantime you can try masturbating, that you can do on your own without worry of pregnancy or STDs."

"Master... masterdebating? Pregnicey? STD? What  _are_  all those things?"

"You ask a lot of questions," Sherlock remarked. "Masturbating is, in its simplest definition, the act of pleasuring yourself. For example, you could investigate with your clitoris or your vagina and find out what feels good for you. Pregnancy is when a woman carries a baby inside her uterus due to sexual intercourse causing fertilization. STDs are sexually transmitted diseases, often earned when people aren't careful about protection and they have sex with many people in a short amount of time."

Rosie scrunched up her face. "This is so much confusing stuff."

Sherlock nodded lightly. "Mhm, being an adult is fun."

"So... so what do you  _do_?" Rosie asked, determined to understand this strange new concept.

"Well, again, because John and I are both males, our intercourse is a bit different from heterosexual intercourse," Sherlock said. "For heterosexuals, the man's penis penetrates the woman's vagina. For homosexuals like John and I, one man's penis penetrates the other man's anus."

Rosie squinted her eyes again, not having learned about  _these_  body parts.

"It sounds odd at first, sounds like it wouldn't feel good at all, but women have a G-spot that gives them pleasure and men have a prostate. And of course for the man that penetrates, it will feel good regardless."

Rosie blinked, all of this information put together in one go too much for her brain to handle.

Sherlock smirked slightly, thinking about last night. "It was very good last night. Oh, I haven't even told you about blowjobs--"

The sound of the door opening echoed through the flat as John inched inside, carrying several grocery bags in both hands. 

"Daddy!" Rosie squealed happily, hopping off her chair to greet her father by hugging his leg as he tried to get over to the kitchen counter to put his groceries down. "Hi darling," John said, setting his bags down and ruffling her hair when his hands were free. He looked up at Sherlock. "Well, nothing seems to have blown up or caught on fire and she's still alive, so I assume it went well."

"Of course it did, honestly, John, it isn't as if I'm a five year old watching another five year old," Sherlock scoffed, mildly offended in how little trust John had in him.

"Daddy! I learned so much today!" Rosie said proudly, tugging at her father's leg.

"Yeah?" John smiled. "What about, quantum physics, calculus?"

"Sex!" Rosie exclaimed.

John's smile faded instantly and he turned very slowly to look at Sherlock, and Sherlock knew he was in trouble.

 

"How much did you tell her?!" John bellowed in their bedroom, probably not out of earshot from Rosie. 

"Just the basics, I mean, come on, what's so inappropriate about it anyway?" Sherlock said, crossing his arms.

"She's five!"

"And? What's so bad about it, it's  _natural_  for god's sake--"

"Sherlock, it--it doesn't  _matter_ , you don't talk to five year olds about that," John said, rubbing his forehead.

"Why? Give me one good reason why!" Sherlock exclaimed, desperate to understand why in the world censorship from  _natural human processes_  was so important.

"Because--because I don't want her to try and  _do_ something or talk to other people about it or, even worse, another kid about it, because then I'd be in trouble by whoever that kid's parents are." John sighed, leaning back against the wall. "How did this even come up?"

"She asked," Sherlock said simply.

"She just asked? Out of the blue?"

"Well, at first she asked if we were hurt, because she heard us last night."  
John slid his hand over his forehead again. "Oh, god... She did?"

"Apparently so," Sherlock said. "I asked her why she would think that, and she said she heard us making odd noises and screaming. So I told her we weren't hurt, we were having sex. And she kept on asking questions from there, and I simply answered them."

" _Sherlock_... you've got to know when to draw the line," John said.

Sherlock huffed. "Well I'm not going to tell her any of that  _stork_  nonsense, it's utterly ridiculous--"

"Fine, but you can at least tell her she isn't old enough to know about it yet."

" _Fine_ ," Sherlock said. "Fine. I won't tell her about things  _other_  people consider too mature for children to know."  
"Thank you," John said tiredly. "But at least we learned something from all this."  
"Hm?" Sherlock said questioningly.

John grinned. "We need to be much quieter next time."


End file.
